To forgive someone, you decide to stop holding what they did against them, and you hand the debt to God. It's a choice, and it often comes before the feeling and may have to be made more than once. It doesn't mean saying that what happened was fine. If it had been fine, there would be nothing to forgive.
“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.”
Ephesians 4:32 (KJV)
These steps are for ordinary hurts as well as deep ones. Go at your own pace.
1. Say exactly what happened
Forgiveness needs something specific to work on. Write down what they did and what it cost you. The Psalms show how honest people can be before God about being wronged, so you don't need to tidy it up.
2. Remember what you've been forgiven
“Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.”
Colossians 3:13 (KJV)
The pattern in both passages is as God forgave you. It's not there to shame you. It's there because mercy is easier to pass on when you remember receiving it.
3. Give up the right to get even
This is the center of it, and it's a decision. Decide you won't repay them, won't rehearse it to others, and won't bring it up as a weapon. Justice doesn't vanish when you do this. You're handing it to God.
“Recompense to no man evil for evil.”
Romans 12:17 (KJV)
4. Pray for them, even badly
A prayer through gritted teeth still counts: Lord, I don't feel this, but bless them. You don't need warm feelings for this to be a real step.
5. Do it again when it comes back
“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”
Matthew 18:21-22 (KJV)
The hurt will return to mind. That doesn't mean your forgiveness failed. You can choose again, as often as you need to.
What forgiveness doesn't ask of you
- It doesn't mean you have to trust them again.
- It doesn't mean you have to stay in contact.
- It doesn't require an apology from them first.
- It doesn't mean keeping quiet about harm.
If someone is hurting you or someone else, forgiveness never means staying in danger or staying silent. Please get to safety and tell someone you trust. A pastor or counselor can help with deep wounds, which often take time and support to work through.
Try this today
Write the person's name on a piece of paper with one sentence: I'm choosing not to hold this against them today. Pray it, then put it away or throw it out. If the hurt is close to home, prayers for your family may help, and if your temper is part of the story, read how to be slow to anger.
For the days when you have to let it go a second time. Fig Devotional is a daily devotional for iPhone: a verse, a prayer and one small action, ending in a card like this one. Its guides are illustrated characters and its reflections are written with AI.
Common questions
How do you forgive someone who hurt you?
Name what they did honestly, tell God how it hurt, decide not to repay it, and pray for them, even briefly. Expect to repeat this. Forgiveness is often a decision you make again and again rather than a feeling you wait for.
Does forgiving mean I have to trust them again?
No. Forgiveness and trust are different. You can release a debt without giving someone access to your life. Trust is rebuilt over time and may not be safe or wise to rebuild at all.
What if I forgive but can't forget?
Forgiving doesn't erase memory. The hurt may come back to mind for years. When it does, you can choose again not to hold it against them.
What does the Bible say about forgiving others?
Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:13 tell believers to forgive as God has forgiven them, and in Matthew 18 Jesus tells Peter to forgive far beyond the seven times Peter suggested.